Monday, 9 March 2009

What Every Office Needs

Mood Ring

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

We've also discovered that when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond............


A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.

A Good Reason To Wear Pyjamas In Bed

Weigh In

Oh man! I can’t believe I am just now hearing I have been doing it wrong for so many decades.


The correct way to weigh yourself

I can't believe I was doing it wrong all these years.


Be Aware When Booking Your Next Flight.

This is scary for anyone who travels frequently by plane!!!!

Actual crack in a US Airways DC-9 window frame!

Fliers beware of the sub standard maintenance on the airplanes that you fly on.

This is an actual crack that was found in the window frame on a DC-9.

I'll definitely think twice before flying.

Exam Results

These are genuine exam answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink

A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans

A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on

A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age

A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes

A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination

A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour

A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorized (eg the abdomen)

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O and U

Q. What is the fibula

A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean

A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'

A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure

A. A Roman Emperor

Q. What is a terminal illness

A. When you are sick at the airport

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature

A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning

A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine

A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head